Saturday, February 4, 2012

Drugs, Alcohol, and Addiction

February 4, 2012

Addiction: compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/addiction

This is something that I deal with and have I believe ever since I first starting using substances at the age of 16. I am angry, sad, upset because I can not drink like a normal person can. When I drink I end up resorting to drugs or sex. Neither of these things are the best in the way that I use them. It is so vile the way in which it has come to control my mind over the years. 

Nothing really upsetting happened this evening to stimulate a desire to use. I was not angry. I was not in a depressed state of mind. I had ate dinner so that was not it either. For some reason the weather and how nice everything seemed to be kind of triggered it I guess. Yes, even happiness can trigger it. So I tried to trick myself or my addiction (which is a part of me) said, "Hey man. Don't drink. Just go to a friend's house and smoke some weed. It's so much better than alcohol anyways." WELL a mind altering substance is a mind altering substance under any condition. I no longer want to be controlled. It serves me of no positive service. And then when I was leaving work I saw fellow co-workers go over to the bar. This reaffirmed my idea that I should go smoke pot. Now lets think about this for a minute. Because some people in the world are going to go have some drinks I should go smoke some pot? The points added up in the moment but now as I write it out it, it makes no sense at all. Insanity. The power of addiction is mesmerizing. 

So I sat in my driveway about to break out into tears because I am not "normal" and I realize that alcohol and drugs only bring devastation into my life. And then I got even more sad and then angry at myself for the fact that I am a grown adult and I am crying that I can't use DRUGS. WTF mate? It is such a powerful compulsion that leaves me absolutely baffled at times. There can be no rhyme or reason to when it pops up as if it just came out of thin air. But I mustn't forget that I am not alone and that this too shall pass. Fighting the obsession leaves me know where but more angry, upset, and with a feeling of being completely isolated. I am not alone though. The Great Spirit of the World is with me at all times and is the only one that can take this from me. If I run and ignore it I will be alone. If I surrender and accept that I am completely powerless over this addiction than I am able to be set from from these chains. This I must always remember. 


3 comments:

  1. hun...whenever you feel that urge, call a sponsor or a true friend. Also, its not fucked up that you saw weed as a better substitution; for you, it actually is (although honestly you should stay away from that too...just sayin). Since alcohol, drugs, and sex are your vices, you should use something as a buffer for better decision making; a distraction. You just have to find out what is a healthy one for YOU. Don't worry about others; just one step at a time remember.

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  2. What is "normal" anyway? No one is normal! Everyone has their problems it's one thing or another. You're not alone. It will pass, the greatest individuals have all dealt with this at some point. The fact that you've made a decision to make this change in your life is fantastic and already separates you from that entire lifestyle. In due time this will be a thing of the past. Namaste.

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  3. Next time you feel disappointed in yourself for feeling this way be proud of yourself instead for saying no. x

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