Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Today

This morning I went with a friend to yoga at 8 am. This is something that would never have been on my to do list five months ago. I would have still been sleeping much less be interested in yoga. It was an amazing class. We focused on opening our hips which is a place in our body where we hold emotions. I remember being in positions feeling a state of connection with source and what it seemed to be a trance like state. Sedation through yoga?

Afterwards I came home and got ready for work. I went to work and over all had an amazing shift. I was able to hold long conversations with with customers about health and nutrition as well as my co-workers. A fellow co-worker came in quite intoxicated after her shift and I had feelings of envy and jealousy. I became sad that I no longer am able to involve myself in certain activities that others are able to do. It can be a very isolating feeling. No one at my new job knows about my sobriety. Yet.

After work I went to a friends house who had made me some dinner. It was delicious. We had steak, sauteed mushrooms, lettuce, tomatoes and some pesto garlic bread. MMMM. Her boyfriend seemed to be intoxicated with slanted eyes glossed over with redness. The same as my co-worker earlier. I then became even more sad that I am not able to take part in this form of "fun".  For me it will lead to death. Just incase anyone wants to argue that I can have ONE beer. As I looked into their eyes I was very hesitant. I would then have to look at myself only but a few months ago. Its seems to be a little intimidation mixed with regret as well as sadness when I looked into their eyes (which was only for brief moments). I don't want to feel sorry for them because that would then allow me to think that I am some how better which I am not but I feel sad for them for having to inebriate themselves to that degree for whatever reason. Its also sadness that I have realized that I am not completely happy living a sober life but  it will take time.

I miss the illusion that I have a plethora of friends and that I am invincible and I have an answer to everything. I miss that even if I could find a friend to hang with I could always go to a bar and find my friend in my cup but this was all a facade. Nothing realistic or lasting. Now they are but a fleeting moment  in my memory of reflection. With strengthening the relationship with my higher power I shall know true happiness. Or so I have been told. I have not been led astray thus far so I do believe it. For all of those who have stood by me through this I am grateful for you and love you.


Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Not Throwing the Towel In

I wanted to give in today. I have been in a rut the past two weeks. Basically since I gave up smoking cigs. I have refused to do any other workouts other than my regular running and or yoga since I hurt my foot which was about two weeks ago. This isn't the entire problem of course as all things are never just black and white. Anyways, I have been beating myself up instead of praising myself for the work that I have done. God I am sick. Seriously. Who the fuck quits using drugs, eating shit food all the time, and quits smoking and then says is that all you are gonna do? Learning to love oneself after an entire life of disliking oneself is not easy.

Yea, sick. The good news though is that someone who cares dearly about my sobriety informed me that constant negative thinking or self criticizing will never get me anywhere. I mean really it just leads to suicidal thoughts for me. Another thing is that I don't know (which I am uncomfortable with) and I want all the answers. Well little buddy its just not gonna happen. I can keep this psychological madness going which ultimately only causes me turmoil and stress or I can accept that I am where I am supposed to be and learn how to find happiness in that. Its just so freaking difficult changing EVERY WAY I have thought for my ENTIRE life. Ok...so now find peace Jonathan in that. It is going to take time. Not change OVERNIGHT. I love you.

Do I write this talking to myself or to you? It doesn't really matter.


Thursday, March 15, 2012

Eating...I do it everyday.

This is a very new, fun, and intriguing topic for me. So for the most of my life I would stuff my mouth with whatever I thought tasted good.  Now with that being said just imagine what it is like to eat meat, breads, cheese and potatoes (which the occasional vegetable) year in and year out. Oh now that I think of it I feel so sorry for my body. I have also had an absolute fear of raw foods meaning FRUIT! I have NEVER ate them. Seriously Never! But fortunately for me something has intervened in my life and has been like "Pst...Hey Jonathan! Let me take it from here. No offense but you suck at this thing." And ya know what...I am trying to learn how to allow myself to let something else guide my life because I do suck at running the show. Anyways, so the majority of the information that I am receiving is from http://www.beyonddiet.com/BD.

I have learned so much in how our bodies are functioning with this so called "food" that we eat in the west, especially the states. If it grows on a plant then good. If it was made in a plant this is not good. The reason I have started this was to get that extra weight off of my stomach but so much more has seemed to come out it. I generally start my day with a fruit salad. Then I will generally have a salad, sandwich, or soup for lunch. Dinner will usually consist of some meat, veggie, and whole grain. I will eat two snacks in between the meals. Very important to do this; however, it can not be like some "health bar". They are not health bars. Promise you. An apple or raw nuts generally does the trick for me.

Ok so maybe you are like ok what is ok to eat? Well here is how I decide if I should eat it. Does it have sugar added to it? If so, then no. You will be AMAZED by how much sugar is added to things (salt as well). Is it comprised of one ingredient? If so, then no. Now you can mix one ingredient things together. Has it been genetically modified? If so, then no. Does this food occur naturally within nature? If so, then YES! Really its so simple once you get started. If its of the Earth and man did not tamper with it or even go so far as to create the damn thing then I am cool with.

Man there is so much more to write about this but this is a start. I will go into detail and break things down as time goes on.


Monday, March 12, 2012

Its been too long. How have I forsaken you blog?

Things are changing more and more in my life and I have control yet no control at the same time. The things that I am doing on a daily basis are so foreign to what I have known for the past 7 years but they seem to be working. I have a small sense of what it means to live in a life of sobriety today. My activities are much different than what they used to be with little shadow of a doubt. I partake in things such as: singing, yoga, making my meals daily (which is a blog in itself for later), working, going to A.A. meetings, talking with my sponsor, calling others to see what their days was like, helping fellows, spending time with my family, gardening, kayaking, running, praying, and going to church.

I have accepted that I will find what peace means in activities such as these. Every day is not the best but how delightful it feels to wake at 8 a.m. without an alarm. I remember always wondering when I would finally grow up. To become an adult. But HOW?! I had the idea that I actually didn't have the ability to change the way I was living. At that time it seemed so intangible to me. Recently I have come to learn that I have no control over any other being on this planet except for the one that is writing this. Yet at the same time there are things in my life that I do not have any control over such as my addictions. But what empowerment it is to know that today I have the ability whether or not I take that substance. The little taste of peace in my life now all depends on this action. With mind-altering drugs I have nothing but without them I can have anything.

May I and you stay connected.


Friday, February 10, 2012

People Are Like Clouds.

What a spectacle it is to view nature objectively without a thought. To listen. Not think. To see without expectation. In this country we forget that we are a part of nature. I personally have disassociated myself from the Earth in such a manner that can be described as nothing more than a void of my Earthly Spiritual Being. Have I come to believe subconsciously that I am above this planet as if I were an alien to it? I believe that I have.Was I not born of an Earthly Birth-Canal? I believe that I was. The "hustle and bustle" or state of complete pandemonium that I have allowed to infiltrate my life has separated me from the thing that is most natural and true.

Do you remember when we were kids and we would lay on our backs and look up at the sky? What did we see? Honestly the options were limitless. We sat back and just looked at the clouds passing by. We allowed for the clouds to be what they were and that was what was so beautiful about it. We had no ability to modify this part of the world. It was out of reach just like a produced movie rolling right before our eyes. But what were they but our ability to imagine. Time was of no purpose to us then. External factors were irrelevant.  I personally remember getting the most joy and fulfillment out of playing with that in which was given so freely to me...Earth, Nature, The Mother of ALL beings that dwell upon her.

If we are a part of this planet then we are a part of all things that exist within it. So I propose a theory that Homo sapiens are like clouds. One day we came into being. We traveled distances near and far. We were shaped by external and internal factors that cultivated us into who we are just like clouds. We affected other things within this Earth and because of this it can never be changed. As we aged our energy levels decreased and one day we disappeared and ceased to exist any longer. However, there is one obvious difference between us and clouds and that to me is the ability to allow these factors whether they be positive or negative to shape us into who we are.


Saturday, February 4, 2012

Drugs, Alcohol, and Addiction

February 4, 2012

Addiction: compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/addiction

This is something that I deal with and have I believe ever since I first starting using substances at the age of 16. I am angry, sad, upset because I can not drink like a normal person can. When I drink I end up resorting to drugs or sex. Neither of these things are the best in the way that I use them. It is so vile the way in which it has come to control my mind over the years. 

Nothing really upsetting happened this evening to stimulate a desire to use. I was not angry. I was not in a depressed state of mind. I had ate dinner so that was not it either. For some reason the weather and how nice everything seemed to be kind of triggered it I guess. Yes, even happiness can trigger it. So I tried to trick myself or my addiction (which is a part of me) said, "Hey man. Don't drink. Just go to a friend's house and smoke some weed. It's so much better than alcohol anyways." WELL a mind altering substance is a mind altering substance under any condition. I no longer want to be controlled. It serves me of no positive service. And then when I was leaving work I saw fellow co-workers go over to the bar. This reaffirmed my idea that I should go smoke pot. Now lets think about this for a minute. Because some people in the world are going to go have some drinks I should go smoke some pot? The points added up in the moment but now as I write it out it, it makes no sense at all. Insanity. The power of addiction is mesmerizing. 

So I sat in my driveway about to break out into tears because I am not "normal" and I realize that alcohol and drugs only bring devastation into my life. And then I got even more sad and then angry at myself for the fact that I am a grown adult and I am crying that I can't use DRUGS. WTF mate? It is such a powerful compulsion that leaves me absolutely baffled at times. There can be no rhyme or reason to when it pops up as if it just came out of thin air. But I mustn't forget that I am not alone and that this too shall pass. Fighting the obsession leaves me know where but more angry, upset, and with a feeling of being completely isolated. I am not alone though. The Great Spirit of the World is with me at all times and is the only one that can take this from me. If I run and ignore it I will be alone. If I surrender and accept that I am completely powerless over this addiction than I am able to be set from from these chains. This I must always remember. 


Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Man on the Bridge

February 2, 2012

Today a man blocked traffic on the Arthur Ravenel bridge for several hours. The bridge was shut down for several hours in a stand off with him. Police did not know of his intentions. On his car he had written "Game Over", "Stay Away", "Back Off" and "Happy Now". From what was written it is obvious to me that he was at the end of his rope, wanted others to intervene, and did this to make a point to another human being.

While this took place this afternoon I was at work. Of course as a free thinking species we all had our own view points on the matter due to our emotional responses to the situation at hand.  There seemed to be a common feeling amongst my fellow co-workers however; I seemed to be the odd ball out. For me personally, this man seemed to have hit a rock bottom which is something still very fresh in my memory and experience. As things were said such as: "This man is sick." (in a very condescending tone), "I would beat the shit out him.", "Why don't the cops just shoot him already?", and other things of this nature I thought to myself does no one have empathy for him or remorse for the things on which we have done in the past?

It is a very tragic situation for all involved. For me it actually turned out to be positive because no one could come into Mount Pleasant (where my business of occupation is located) and come dine the last few minutes before my shift ended and I have never had a smoother ride home during 5 o'clock traffic. I continue to challenge myself and all who read my blog to look at the opposite side of our gut instinct before passing judgement on others.

Btw in 2007, this man was awarded the LifeSavingAward from the Charleston Rescue Squad.
(http://chasrescue.homestead.com/honors.html) I am not stating he is of no faults. Not one of us is but the point is, that we really know nothing of others lives and it is just as negative for others when we judge them as for ourselves.